Having to Let Go of Your Elderly Cat

19yrs years ago I went over to my sister's house to possibly select a kitten. I remember looking at the litter and they were all so cute the choice was difficult. I noticed one kitten wasn't making any fuss like the others. She was a beautiful and perfect little thing. I can't remember if Sherry was with me or not that day. We had just begun our relationship and she told me up front she was not a fan of cats. She had two yorkies at that time. I remember how Cybil loved those dogs and would curl right up with them on the chair and sleep. I think her being with those dogs made her antisocial later in life when it came to her acceptance of other cats. She was fine with any dog, but not another cat. This cat stayed by my side through a whole Hell of a lot. She moved with me all over the damn place. She was there all through the night whenever my baby, Alex, was sick. She always stayed close by to Alex whenever we went outside or he was just crawling around, she was right there. She was never sick and I am so thankful for that. She had problems at the end, but nothing major or painful. If it was painful she would never complain. I hope I returned the favor of respect by doing everything I could for her at the end. I didn't want to take her to the vet unless pain became a consideration. I wanted her to go naturally and at home with me. I had believed she would somehow turn around at the end and everything would be OK. She's been with me so long I can hardly imagine the empty space now where she's suposed to be. My heart wants to stop beating when I think about her. I know I am crying for myself. She has left that ate up old body and I know she is doing much better now. I volunteered with Hospice a few years back. You can tell when the life force, spirit, soul or whatever you want to call it, finally leaves the body. I usually call it energy. The energy leaves behind an empty shell. I think Cybil started to die last week. If there was Hospice for cats, I would have called. Sunday morning I knew the time was near although I was still in denial. I had been hand feeding her food and water for the week. She was still doing everything normally until then. She had a chance to even go outside and enjoy laying in the warm sun a few more times prior to this event. She loved the outdoors and would stay out all day if given a choice. I put her in the bed and kept everything quiet and peaceful for her. I laid beside her all night and would get her water ever so often when she seemed to be having a dry mouth. Right before she was ready to cross over she got up and flopped her body next to mine. She never slept like that before. I think we slept an hour and then she woke me up for more water. She took one last sip and started to stretch and breathe in a different pattern. I held her and rocked her very easy. I didn't want to cry because I wanted her to know it was OK with me for her to let go. I did want her to let go so much sooner that day but she fought it ever so often. That was just the way she was. I expected she would. I'm glad she died naturally and at home. I am glad her struggles are over. Sometimes I wonder why must it be this way and I really just can't understand "why" to any of this business of life and living. It can be pretty unbearable and very cruel to everything that is ever born. I love you Cybil

Spaced Out in 2014

I cant believe how hard it is to function lately. I feel spaced out or disassociated a lot of the time. Attention span is brief. Couldn't spell before, can't spell at all now? Easily overwhelmed. Can't hardly look at Facebook right now. Going to have to make another adjustment before I can tolerate it again. I have to take tremendous efforts just to stay on track daily. The animals snap me back to reality if I happen to be spacing out while in the middle of feeding them. They don't let me forget to finish that task. I am getting ready for the convention in Charlotte and feel like I'm doing pretty good. Only one doll is giving me grief. I have been keeping to myself mostly because of the weird neurological things going on. They mostly happen in the morning and right now, pretty minor. Mostly a twitch in my left hand that although is slight, it can cause disaster. I drop, spill and knock over shit all the time. This morning was my 49th birthday and thank goodness we had already celebrated it the other night. Nothing big, just dinner and beers. This morning Brussell (the bat) was finally able to get me to wake up. He's learned that he can get my attention by beating his wings on his cage. Some nights I have to tell him to stop it, lol. Well I got up and felt dizzy and disoriented as Hell. I just knew I was kicking off growing older with a nice stroke. I also felt so overwhelmingly sleepy. I fed Brussell and went back to bed. I didn't feel good all day but kept it to myself as usual. I have few days where I feel decent anymore. I'm in disbelief at how much of a stubborn asshole my doctor is being about the referral back to see my neurologist. There's a bill here from her office that won't get paid either if this how she's going to treat me. After this convention I'm finding a new doctor. I never should have brought up Lymes with her and especially the condition of Morgellons. She looked it up at the CDC and that's all she needed. Now I guess I'm just full of shit about this Hell I'm having to self treat. I've been wondering lately why is this thing being dismissed. It seems to be reported worldwide yet it's getting nowhere fast in the research department. Is someone afraid they will have to compensate? Is this something our iodine deficient bodies are now unable to defend against? Iodine seems to be killing off some of the weirdness. Coconut oil also seems to kill and flush out skin creepiness. Mineral oil works about as well. When this all came about I thought it was mold or bird mites. Then I remember coming across Morgellons and decided it wasn't "for real" so I kept up my search for the identity of this problem. Nothing fits. So many times I thought I'd finally debunked this thing and it's just _____. Today, I wonder if it's a horse hair or thread worm. I saw images of bugs infested with these things. Maybe the bugs are passing them onto people ?  But no matter what new theory I come up with, I still go back to thinking its a predator type fungus. I saw the red threads actually attach to anything considered to be edible. They just attach and slowly draw the food to the ??? It is inhabiting at the moment. I think that is the slight crawling sensation me and Brussell feel at night. We both start kicking about the same time. It's gotta be seasonal too. It's March and just like the last two years, it's crawling on me again. Gotta order that Grandma's parasite pill. The ingredients of Wormwood and black walnut is what I think keeps the crawls from happening. Yeah, that's something else I never gave much thought or merit to before was herbal supplements. When I ran out of cat's claw for two weeks just recently I had severe neck pain that had me in tears. When I first started taking that I used to sweat almost very night and the smell of the sweat was like nasty metal. That's the only way I can think to describe it. I still have muscles in my neck and shoulder knot up for no reason. It hurts but not too bad mostly. Another thing I wonder about is the Borrellia  bacteria. Is it the reason this thing is not getting the publicity? To keep people from panic. Resistant maybe to everything? It also somehow makes your body unable to ward off those things you used to deflect naturally. It's overwhelming at times. I do just break down and cry feeling so helpless, hopeless and defeated. It's a nasty feeling having. You feel gross and everything around you does too. There's a damn reason this thing is being hushed! If we can figure out why, then maybe we can get somewhere. I am still looking for a logical explanation for this.