Having to Let Go of Your Elderly Cat

19yrs years ago I went over to my sister's house to possibly select a kitten. I remember looking at the litter and they were all so cute the choice was difficult. I noticed one kitten wasn't making any fuss like the others. She was a beautiful and perfect little thing. I can't remember if Sherry was with me or not that day. We had just begun our relationship and she told me up front she was not a fan of cats. She had two yorkies at that time. I remember how Cybil loved those dogs and would curl right up with them on the chair and sleep. I think her being with those dogs made her antisocial later in life when it came to her acceptance of other cats. She was fine with any dog, but not another cat. This cat stayed by my side through a whole Hell of a lot. She moved with me all over the damn place. She was there all through the night whenever my baby, Alex, was sick. She always stayed close by to Alex whenever we went outside or he was just crawling around, she was right there. She was never sick and I am so thankful for that. She had problems at the end, but nothing major or painful. If it was painful she would never complain. I hope I returned the favor of respect by doing everything I could for her at the end. I didn't want to take her to the vet unless pain became a consideration. I wanted her to go naturally and at home with me. I had believed she would somehow turn around at the end and everything would be OK. She's been with me so long I can hardly imagine the empty space now where she's suposed to be. My heart wants to stop beating when I think about her. I know I am crying for myself. She has left that ate up old body and I know she is doing much better now. I volunteered with Hospice a few years back. You can tell when the life force, spirit, soul or whatever you want to call it, finally leaves the body. I usually call it energy. The energy leaves behind an empty shell. I think Cybil started to die last week. If there was Hospice for cats, I would have called. Sunday morning I knew the time was near although I was still in denial. I had been hand feeding her food and water for the week. She was still doing everything normally until then. She had a chance to even go outside and enjoy laying in the warm sun a few more times prior to this event. She loved the outdoors and would stay out all day if given a choice. I put her in the bed and kept everything quiet and peaceful for her. I laid beside her all night and would get her water ever so often when she seemed to be having a dry mouth. Right before she was ready to cross over she got up and flopped her body next to mine. She never slept like that before. I think we slept an hour and then she woke me up for more water. She took one last sip and started to stretch and breathe in a different pattern. I held her and rocked her very easy. I didn't want to cry because I wanted her to know it was OK with me for her to let go. I did want her to let go so much sooner that day but she fought it ever so often. That was just the way she was. I expected she would. I'm glad she died naturally and at home. I am glad her struggles are over. Sometimes I wonder why must it be this way and I really just can't understand "why" to any of this business of life and living. It can be pretty unbearable and very cruel to everything that is ever born. I love you Cybil